One cool thing about college and my fraternity is the opportunity to meet so many people with different backgrounds pursuing degrees that will lead to different locations and accomplish different goals in the world. Our only common thread is that we attend the same university and are in the same fraternity. I’ve met and become friends with people I would never have expected to if I wasn’t in college, and they’ve changed my outlook on life and viewpoints on certain issues because of our conversations. I am not required to develop relationships with these people or take an interest in their lives. But I wanted to, and I did. Making an effort to develop and maintain friendships is a choice we have to make. And there are gives and takes that come along with that.

Everyone has different viewpoints. We all see the world differently based on how we were born and raised, the experiences we’ve had, and the choices we’ve made up to this point. These factors influence our behavior and decision-making. Conflict results from those experiences, values, and morals colliding with each other.
I’ve rarely seen conflict be a perfectly black-and-white, clear-cut thing. It’s not often that a person is entirely and explicitly right and the other completely and unobjectively wrong. Sure, there are extreme and severe examples. But most of the time, conflict is messy, and both sides make missteps that lead to the situation deteriorating to where it stands now. Feelings get hurt, and that makes things more complicated. Only when we make an effort to understand and listen to the other side can we make progress and find an agreement with each other.

I’ve always prided myself on my ability to handle conflict and find an understanding with people if I miscommunicate or something happens where someone gets upset with me because of an action that I did that they had a problem with. On the flip side, if something upsets me, I am able and willing to speak my opinion and take up the issue with the person involved to try and get some resolution so we can move past it. I want to find a solution. Often, I will work and be very open-minded to get to that point. But over the last few months, I’ve had a conflict that hasn’t gone away. And it’s precisely because I DIDN’T want to find a solution.

The issue arose late last fall. In an attempt to enforce the rules of the fraternity, I communicated a decision that my cabinet had made (we had disagreement amongst ourselves about it as well) about enforcing social probation on my social chair for a joint brotherhood. It was sort of in a grey area on whether, rules-wise, he should’ve been allowed to go, but on a technicality, the answer leaned more to the no side. That itself wasn’t the problem; it’s the fact that I had allowed bias to cloud my judgment when I should’ve been quieter and not caused a bigger issue about it. In hindsight, it wasn’t a big deal. But at that point, I was getting sick and tired of my social chair’s antics. All term, he was on social probation for performing poorly with grades. Yet every week, he would beg and throw a tantrum whenever I said no to him going to a function because we said he had to be on social probation. After finding every loophole and attempting to go around me, I finally got fed up and used that joint brotherhood to enforce an extra event he couldn’t go to because I was so annoyed and wanted something to get back at him for having to listen to his whining and tantrum throwing for months. It was known that I was getting incredibly irritated with my social chair, so the optics were definitely not great; after all, my motivations were selfish. I got called out for it by two of my guys; they got pretty personal and tried to push the rest of the guys to change my and my cabinet’s minds. I wouldn’t budge; he was not going to the event. Once a decision has been made, I hardly change my mind, and I’m not someone who can pressured into doing so. The event came and went, and everyone moved past it, understanding that each side had valid points to make and that no one should dwell on it. But I was still incredibly angry. Not at my social chair, even though he was being difficult. It was a learning lesson he took from the situation, and he’s grown a lot since that term. Still, I was upset at my friend for calling me out about my motivations for enforcing the rules on my social chair. At that point in the term, I was having a really tough time, so it felt like I was getting kicked when I was down for the count. Instead of admitting where I went wrong and attempting to apologize, I allowed my ego to take center stage and not allow myself to see where I had made the error. It was his fault for calling me out, and I could not believe he would do that to me, I thought to myself. So I bottled up my anger and frustration and just flat-out refused to speak to him. I wasn’t being mature.

It took a lot of self-reflection and months of processing to conclude that I was being unfair. I was still holding onto anger over a situation months ago, and my friend didn’t even know why I was upset. I was too stubborn to admit that I had acted wrong in parts of that situation and prioritized my ego by rationalizing my decisions, even if they weren’t correct. Ultimately, I wasted months of friendship by refusing to see the other side of my actions and not wanting to resolve the conflict that I was so frustrated about. When I eventually apologized this week, we both came to an understanding with each other. We both have very different views. I thought those worldviews were too far apart; in reality, I was refusing to find the common threads that bound us together and work past the point of contention.

Our feelings are valid and should be treated as such. But there is a point where we need to move on and let go of instances where our feelings get hurt because it simply doesn’t matter in the long run that someone upsets you a little bit, and your ego gets a little bruised. We all should try to see the other side and understand each other. But that means dropping the ego and just being real and honest with each other. On the other hand, that also means giving grace and being understanding of the situations that other people find themselves in. It isn’t fair to kick people when they’re down. We’re all human. In the end, what we owe to each other is compassion and understanding so we can get through struggles together. I appreciate that my friend was open and understanding to allow me to express my frustrations way later than I should have.

It’s okay to be upset with people when you think you’ve been treated unfairly. But check your ego. It might be holding you back from relationships that can benefit you and teach you, even if they’re challenging. Sometimes, we are wrong. However, it is more mature and dutiful if we admit and apologize for when we are wrong than to double-down and stick to our guns because we want to be proven right. Four years ago, I never thought a to-be bureaucrat from Roseburg, OR, would be friends with a DJ from Truckee, CA. But life can surprise us if we keep an open mind.

-Colby